


The decision

by Gentlemanjacker



Category: Gentleman Jack (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Ann explores Anne, Anne bottoms for Miss Walker, Cinnamon Roll Ann Walker (1803-1854), Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Exploration, F/F, Fluff and Smut, Fluid Sexuality, Healing, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Lesbian Sex, Mental Health Issues, Oh Miss Lister, Oral Sex, Paranormal, SO MUCH FLUFF, True Love, Vaginal Fingering, can't edit enough, how it should have ended, sexual awakening, sweet release, too many anns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-04-06 17:45:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19067536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gentlemanjacker/pseuds/Gentlemanjacker
Summary: Ann takes a stand and makes the decision to stay with Anne Lister instead of going to Scotland. Alternate timeline after Episode 6. Sexual exploration, love, fluff and mental health/spiritual issues.





	1. The adventure

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time so go gently with me. It's how I picture these vivid characters in my head, although I'm sure I'm missing some details since there are so many to give.

As the crunching of the stone under the carriage faded into the distance, the two women were left with a tense silence that seemed to drink the sounds of the wild outside the estate. There was nothing in Anne's world but this woman, and the previous pain that was now dulling beneath the weight of hope. Oh and hope it was. Ann looked blankly into the trees, letting the sun bathe her face and the wind push her hair. Her trunks sat in front of her on the ground and James soon unobtrusively brought them inside. Still they stood there, Anne not daring to hope with the previous moment playing in her mind. Ann had refused to go with her brother-in-law and instead with strong words chose to stay in her estate. Even with fears over her mental condition, there was no doubting her will and strength. Eventually he and his mother both boarded the vehicle and were soon off, giving Ann's condition over to Miss Lister. Now there the two women stood, in silence.

Anne kept the quiet, gazing at the younger with open brown eyes. Ann did not meet her stare, but instead closed her eyes to the gentle breeze. She knew Anne was watching her and she also knew that she had made a decision, by refusing to leave the place and person she loved. Her memories of the shattered nights of fervid prayers seemed like a distant memory. In the moment she stood before the carriage, with the words Anne had spoken in her head, she knew what she wanted. She had made the decision. "I think I'm ready", she said softly, as if to the wind. Anne listened but did not reply. For a moment she stood, feeling the sun soak into her blacks, before parting her lips to answer. But no reply came. She was not one for loss of words but this moment was too unknown for a glib comment or affirmation. Ann turned to her and her eyes were like fire, shimmering with the light and wet with tears. "Is your offer still present?" she asked, her voice harder than usual. Anne's eyes locked with hers and she swallowed, replying in a dry voice, "What offer do you refer to?" She could not dare to hope, not after so many disappointments. She would break again, like the night before with tears tickling her nose and all her vulnerabilities spilled out onto Ann's skin, if this girl rejected her once more. It was too close to the parting. All her emotions she had buried for Ann's journey were surging into her throat, filling her chest with pressure. Is it real this time? Does she mean it?

The steely blue gaze never wavered and in this Anne saw a new strength in this broken girl, this girl that had shattered her so often in the past days. Hope filled her heart like a budding flower and surged when Ann continued, "Your offer to live at Shibden", she paused, "with you." Unbidden tears filled Anne's eyes, making the girl before her sway. She blinked and felt herself move forward. She was not conscious of doing it, was not thinking about who might see them. She surged forward and her hands found the tender cheeks, the delicate chin. Her fingers felt wetness as a tear fell. She smoothed it away and drank in the site of Ann. "Do you mean it", she husked, unable to speak louder than a whisper. Memories of the madness of the nights preceding flowed through her mind. Her gaze faltered and went distant at them. Then, Ann's hands were there, grasping hers and their eyes refocused. "Yes", she whispered, "I'm not afraid." Anne studied her, taking in the stable gaze, the set of her jaw and suddenly she believed her. Come what may, she would take this dive with Ann, madness or not. Anne leaned in and delicately kissed her, in the sunlight under god and his creations, taking the kiss that was denied moments earlier in front of the others. Ann's lips were velvet and parted under hers, tongues softly meeting. There was no hesitation or trembling this time. She had made up her mind. "Yes, yes. A thousand times yes", Anne whispered in reply. Ann pulled away and smiled her tender golden smile, the tears in her eyes now of a happier nature. "Good" she said simply and as one, they walked inside.  


	2. The question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ann Walker wants to forget the nights of madness before this moment. She expresses her true desires to Miss Lister and questions are raised.

James, standing with a slight bow, his eyes averted, greeted both women. Ann stopped and looked at him until he met her gaze. "James, I will be retiring with Miss Lister for the evening. I will not be accepting any visitors", she looked back at Anne with a slight smile, "intended or otherwise." James nodded his head and renewed the bow. "Very good ma'am," was his reply. Anne, a smile on her face at the boldness of this, also addressed James. "Could you arrange for a message to be sent to my aunt at Shibden that I will not be present this evening but will send word in the morning?" Her eyes twinkled at Ann. "Yes ma'am", again came James reply, as buttoned as usual. She made sure to catch his eye and said in seriousness, "Thank you James." He stood straight and gave her a quiet smile, soon taking his leave. She found the younger woman at the top of the stairs waiting. Anne knew her gaze was open and filled with unnamed and unexpressed feelings. Yet, she did not balk at showing this to Ann, her beloved. Her battered heart yearned for love and her defenses fell even more as Ann took her hand and led her into the bedroom.

Anne closed the door behind her but did not race forward as before to lay kisses on this golden one. With everything that had just happened, she felt a new pause form between them. They needed this time to reacquaint. So again they stood, close but apart, desire and longing a tangible thread between them. It pulsed in the air and Anne wondered what her next step should be. She did not want to break this moment, to reduce it to carnal pleasure or a glib word. Something had changed in Ann, something profound, and she wanted to honor that position. She did so by maintaining the silence.

Ann returned the reserved stare, her thoughts finally calm in this familiar room. She had felt a long pressing weight lift as her in-laws rode away, taking the madness of the nights with them. The miasma of guilt and tension within her had finally eased after finding her voice with them. They left and I remain, she thought, I am with Anne and it has always been Anne, even from the age of 14. She wished she could express this to her, to help her understand how much she wanted to scrub the long nights of indecision and pain from both of their memories. They had shared such moments, intimate moments, in this very place. Yet she felt a flutter of shyness, as if this was their first time all over again.

Anne seemed to sense her thoughts and slowly moved forward, her back straight, eyes intense. The only sound was of her boots scuffing the wood and carpets as she pressed on. Soon they were close enough to scent the other, the soft floral of recent baths twining up to meet them. It was calming, comforting to breathe in the essence of the other. Anne was like warm rocks in the sun, presumably from the dark fabric that surrounded her. Ann was sweeter like a fresh flower, green with the spring. Anne reached out one hand to touch the soft golden ringlets and hesitated, cocking her head slightly. Ann spotted the hesitation, saw the soft parted mouth, so quick to give a smile, and moved forward to take it as her own. Anne stumbled back slightly, surprised by the other's abandon, feeling the girl's hands scrabble at her laces, her mouth hungrily pressing on hers. This was too much, the almost losing of her to this outpouring. Anne reacted swiftly, crushing layers of fabric against her, craving as much contact as she could manage in their current dressed state. She turned her head on the kiss, deepening it. Anne let her tongue flick along soft lips, eventually pushing through to meet the hot warmth within. She plumbed the depths of that mouth, tasting sweetness as their tongues danced together. She was not as gentle or decent with this exploration as before. A rumble was building in her throat as they pulled apart for breath, and she scanned Ann's face, making sure the previous intensity was accepted. In reply, the girl's fingers grasped her cravat pulling it loose, pin and all. Anne smiled, her teeth shining, and with a small twist, aided her in releasing it. The fabric fell to the floor, forgotten, and they moved into one another, kissing renewed. Soon Ann was extricating herself from the dress and with help, it was unlaced, the stays undone and thrown haphazardly aside. Next, went Anne's buttoned coat, corset and skirt, more elegantly removed and placed on a sitting chair. In thin layers of white linen, they pressed against each other. Where skin touched skin, the connection was electric, fueling the kisses, which had travelled to neck and collarbones. Anne grasped the girl's shoulders and pushed her back onto the bed, helping her climb up before resting to the side of her. With some gentle laughter, their hair fell down; soft hands' undoing each other's elaborate style. And with that, they paused, blue flinty eyes meeting the dark ones, a world of meaning in both. Anne still did not dare speak, her breath catching as the connection deepened. This moment was so acute it was almost painful. It was also surreal, given their state of being not long ago.

Ann gently traced the strong jaw and wide-open mouth of the lover before her, a fingertip resting on a full bottom lip. Those lips next found their way around the tip, hard teeth nipping at skin. Ann breathed out, lips parted. This time, instead of kissing that mouth, she allowed her fingers to continue downward, following tendons of the neck down onto the expanse of revealed skin above a loose collar. Her fingers paused in a small shallow notch of bone, which moved with each breath Anne took, and both watched the hand move down further, over undone buttons and onto her breastbone. Anne's eyes widened slightly at the touch and she saw her eyes sweep upward under faint lashes, a soft whisper escaping her. "I want to please you". The words surprised Anne as much as the wandering hand. She felt it slip down her belly and she quickly grasped the wrist, stopping it. "I've received pleasure from you many times", Anne responded, looking into the tender but determined face.   
Her grip on the girl's wrist was tight, her eyes flickering black pools in the dim candlelight. Ann was not swayed. "I want to know if you burn with the same desire as I..." She paused and pushed on.  
" Why do you not release with me? Do you not feel the same as I?" She felt the grip on her wrist lessen and she turned her head to the side. In barely a whisper she asked, "Is it me? Am I dreadful at this?"  
Anne felt a pain arc through her chest into her gut and she tried to meet Ann's averted gaze. "Surely you know I desire you. Nonsense. This is nonsense." She took Ann's soft hand and placed it on her lips, gently kissing her tender fingers. Looking at the lips slowly brushing her hand, Ann continued, "Then why can I not please you as you do me."  
Anne's eyes met hers once more her mouth slightly parted in a serious semi-frown. Oh her tenderness, her purity. She does not know anything yet, but why can there not be love in this. Love I can accept with my body as well as mind. Her mind felt on fire at this moment and her body full of anxious energy. This topic was entirely unexpected and she felt slightly toppled by it, her usual calm confidence skewed.  
Out of the silence, Ann said in a stronger voice, "I'm not afraid, you know. Not like before."  
Oh, now you have undone me, Anne thought, now I am the one that that might be afraid.

And then in the faintest whisper Ann asked, "Is it that, are you, unnatural down there... "

"Ahhhhh..." a sigh burst from Anne's lips. Oh this tender creature, she thought. She felt her eyes fill with tears and not for the first time this day. Ann quickly went on, "Because if you are I..."  
Anne, stopping her with a gentle smile, released her hands and captured her face. "No my love, I am sound and whole. There is no need to fear in that regard. My mind and its desire for you is the only thing that sets me apart from other," she paused, "women."  
Ann slid her hands over the strong shoulders and said, "Then you do feel as I do."

A smile split Anne's lips and her fingers found a small golden ringlet, toying with its softness. "And how, exactly, do you feel, my dearest?"   
Ann's lips parted in a coy smile, her hands pushing on the older woman's shoulders. "Don't jest," she said.  
Anne moved forward and slowly placed one knee in between the girl's legs, feeling heat through the cloth. She moved it upwards until she felt contact with the juncture between the thighs. Even with the layers between them, she felt the damp heat of desire. Ann's gaze looked distant and a small sigh escaped her. "Mmm?" was the only reply to the previous question.  
Anne leaned in close and traced her tongue over the soft arch of an ear. She felt a strong craving to hear this delicate creature express her feelings to her in this dark room. "How does it make you feel", she whispered, applying pressure with her taught thigh.  
Ann shuddered and rocked against her a whisper coming from her lips in reply, "I feel warm and..."  
" Just warm hmm?" Anne interrupted. She was building a rhythm now and the girl's breathing was becoming shallower.  
Ann nodded distantly. "Yes but more like a burning, like a fire that cannot be quenched,"  
she turned and her teeth grazed the older woman's neck, "without you." She gently pulled back and looked into Anne's eyes. "Do you feel the same?"  
I see she is difficult to distract, Anne thought. She kept the pressure on her sex but slowed her movements. She felt warm all over and they were both damp with the flushed skin and heat from their mutual desire. And it was mutual; there was no doubt of it. So tell her how you feel, Anne told herself.  
Instead, she again stroked her cheek and hair, her mouth open in a smile. Finally she said, "Yes, my dearest. I am as tight as a bowstring for you and filled with fire besides."  
Ann disengaged her face from the gentle caresses and came up on her arm." I want to..." She hesitated. "I want to release that tension." A moment passed. "Please." The last word was a gentle plea, spoken more into the pillows behind Anne than to her. Her eyes then found Anne's and she spoke with more force than before. "I always want to express my true desires with you."

Anne studied her, all movement with her leg having stopped at these words. Is that not what I have been encouraging her to do since the beginning, she thought. Ann seemed determined on this path, determined to cross this road. Anne saw the darkness from the past coming in on the corners. Maybe this is her way of erasing that, she thought, and who am I to deny her this. Reservations were there about whether Miss Walker would be able to assume an identity as giver with her recently weakened state. Anne knew the burden of taking the lead and what questions it might raise within her. Let alone the opportunity for further rejection, she thought bitterly. Anne shied away from those thoughts, looking at the vulnerable creature before her. She wants you, she reassured herself. She might not understand what that means but she does. With a swallow in a dry throat, she pulled herself free and sat up. Ann followed and they rested their foreheads against each other. Anne gathered herself and gently kissed the other's hair. The light throb of desire was still deep inside her and she let it flow into her voice as she said, "Yes, my dearest, I am yours to please." 


	3. The surrender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anne surrenders mind and body to her love. Fluid roles are explored along with new intimacies. Physical reconnection after the earlier fallout between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to express the vulnerability of exploration and submission between these two. Writing a love scene is more challenging than I anticipated and I hope it flows well and conveys the idea behind it. Other than that, it was fun to write. Enjoy :)

Anne had surrendered to this sweet one, spreading herself open and laying her heart out for the taking. She pushed aside any reservations as she guided Ann's delicate hand to herself, moving her fingers to hover above where she yearned to be touched. They both lay side by side, Anne slightly on her back while the other was on her side, her arm wrapped behind her head, propping her up. Their eyes met briefly when Ann's fingers touched the dark curly nest of hair below. Will she balk at this, Anne thought. Was the idea better than the act? Yet the fingers had not drawn back. Nor had they shied away. Open curiosity and desire played on the younger woman's face as she gently pressed around, feeling the sloping region and various structures below. Anne's breath became ragged as the tentative touch tickled her. Yet, she removed her guiding hand and let the exploration continue. She knew how important these moments were, to someone that had not done so before. She let her legs relax, and watched that sweet face, focusing on each individual feature while tender fingers traced her lower regions, coming to rest far below. Anne's eyes were complete vulnerability as she let her legs fall open further, allowing the other access to the slick skin within. She felt the fingers dip in between her soft fold, touching the intimate wetness she knew was there.

Ann's gaze went distant and she slid her body down slightly, changing the angle of her hand. Anne closed her eyes and focused on the movement, anticipating what would happen next. It had been so long, so very long since someone had even attempted a connection. Many times, she denied such an exploration, deeming it unnecessary. But this was Ann, she thought, and she is different. She felt her pause and opened her eyes to find blue eyes staring back. She knew what was being asked in that gaze and her heart swelled at the sheer innocence and tenderness behind the question. Thank you, she said in her own head. Without words, she again found Ann's hand and positioned the fingers above her entrance. "It is okay," she whispered in her deepest voice. "I am yours." Moving her head, back she felt the tip of a finger breach her, pushing past resisting skin and finding its way inside. She breathed out slowly at the intrusion, relaxing her tensing muscles. Ann was gentle, staying inside of her, taking in the feel and texture of another woman. Anne let out an audible breath, feeling herself relax around her. With the tension eased, she found herself enjoying the pressure of Ann's touch. She again looked down at the girl, giving her a small encouraging smile. Ann slipped her finger out and then back inside, getting a feel for the taught flesh, the tightness and warmth. Anne fell into the feeling, eyes half lidded. She kept her sight focused on Ann's sweet face, her passions building. She reached down and stroked that golden hair, running a thumb over an eyebrow to feel its roughness. Ann slowed her movements in response, withdrawing out of her, leaving a shudder in the absence. She then trailed her fingers up to the top of her sex, where the passion burned fiercest. Her fingers pressed against skin and coarse hair, next slipping in again to lay on her tangible desire. Ann's eyes flickered as she traced the pinpoint of need, exploring its curve and shape. Then her fingers started to move, travelling in light circles and causing Anne's buttocks to rise off the bed ever so slightly.

"Yes, there," Anne whispered as sweet pressure built under feather light touches. A low moan rose in her throat and she pressed her hand against the girl's fingers, pushing them harder onto her. Ann said nothing to the touch but instead took the suggestion, gently sliding deeper between the top folds and pressing against her exposed center. Anne's back arched at the raw contact of finger to passion and a low growl escaped her. She knew Ann could feel the hard desire now and that this innocent one knew what it was to take control of another woman's intimate and hidden place. Her breath came in ragged gasps and her hands found the girl's fine boned shoulders. She tried not to tear at the skin but instead held them hard, pleasure shooting through her like rivers of molten heat. She moved her hand from above Ann's and grasped something, anything, the fabric of sheets meeting her fingers and twining tight in her grasp. She knew it would be soon. She could not hold onto this delicious pressure for long and wanted the release. She wanted it more than she could have anticipated, and she wanted Ann to give it to her. Ah, this innocent beautiful girl who shook her life so thoroughly, she thought; this woman who threw her perceptions upside down even in this. She knew Ann would tire soon, knew the physicality of the thing better than anyone. Yet no other lover had made her feel this intensely.

Her thoughts moved back to the intimate motions between them and she pulled Ann's face up to hers. She wanted to be close for it, connected in every way possible when the time came. She rode the waves, making sure to press her mouth on hers, quickened breaths mingling. A rough whisper came from her lips, pleading, "Please don't stop. I'm there, I'm there..." And with a deep strangled cry, the orgasm was ripped from her. She shuddered and bucked under Ann's hand, practically groaning her name over and over. Gooseflesh rode up her arms and legs as the girls hand continued to move on her, continuing contact even through the violent movements of hips. Then it was over, and she unwound her fingers from the sheet, shuddering at the touch now that over sensation had taken her. She gently removed Ann's hand and brought it to her lips. Still slightly panting, she kissed the wetness on the fingers, tasting herself. She did not care. She wanted Ann to know that this moment shared was beyond words for her. She wanted her to know how overcome, how truly grateful she was. Trembling she fell back on the bed, her dark hair askew around her, her undergarments damp with the previous heat. Small trills of pleasure still ran up and down her spine and her legs trembled after the intensity of her release. Ann sat upright, resting on one elbow and the other said, "Come here," reaching out an arm. The girl nuzzled up to her, lying against her side as she slid her arm around. Ann felt warm to the touch and she wondered how much pleasure she had derived from their shared experience. Another sudden flare hit her stomach at this thought and tortured her subsiding flesh. Ann did seem flushed and was not settling into her as usual. "You have greatly relieved any tension I had," Anne told her, breaking the silence. The girl smiled at this, giving a simple reply of, "I am glad." After a moment the girl continued, "I did not know what to expect but it was," a deeper flush settled in her cheeks, "very enjoyable."

"Oh really," Anne said, not teasing but in seriousness. "You thoroughly unstrung me." A secret smile came to Ann's lips. "I could tell," she replied, not looking at her. After considering, Anne took a breath and gathered her strength, quickly rising up and moving herself as to be on top of her. "Now Miss Walker," she said in response to the others surprise, "I believe it is your turn to be unstrung."  
Ann laughed lightly and put her hands against the brown-haired woman's shoulders. Anne grasped one of the hands and took her fingers into her mouth, causing the other to gasp in surprise." I do think I am craving more than," she raked her eyes along the lithe linen clad body, "usual." Her voice had a hard edge and Ann's eyes widened in response.  
Anne then leaned down and pulled the girl's shift aside, claiming a hard nipple in her teeth. She flicked her tongue over the bud hearing the girl's breath come quickly. She sucked harder, her other hand finding Ann hot and deliciously wet between her legs. "My, my Miss Walker," she teased, "I think you enjoyed me more than you are putting on." She moved upward and kissed Ann hard, sliding one finger and her tongue simultaneously inside of her. The contact was electric and Ann's body became rigid. Anne released her mouth and tried a second finger, finding it readily accepted, the hot flesh pressing as she slowly slid deep inside. She let Ann's soft moans and gasps act as kindling to her fire as she withdrew the fingers and impaled her again. Incoherent words were coming from the sweet lips and Anne found the secret spot, the one that would draw them from her, pressing on it in a tender fury. Her body was hot against hers, sweat trickling on both of them as Anne gathered her fingers and made a tight rhythm of it. She could feel the release gathering inside of her and she knew the girl needed it.

This time, instead of finding the hard jewel with her hand she moved down her body, grazing a soft breast, to plant a kiss on her clothed belly. She took her free hand and pulled the fabric away, bearing a tangle of soft golden curls. She could feel the heat rising from her and could scent the sweet, heady desire as her fingers continued to move within her. She met Ann's open gaze, full of surprise, before parting those lower lips and touching tongue to her hot center. The reaction was immediate. "Ohhh..." a cry escaped her and Anne worked hard to keep her mouth and tongue on her, resting her chin on the palm of her open hand which still worked within her. Ann was taut for her, the small center of need jutting out and ready for the taking. And take it she did. Anne swirled her tongue through the curls and soft cleft to capture it, making her lips and tongue draw gentle circles. Wet soft hair tickled her face but she pushed further down, her breath hot as it came from her open mouth. Reaching up, she grasped Ann's breast in her free hand, fully drawing the pleasure from her. Her tongue kept rhythm with her fingers and she could feel the slick hot flesh become engorged. Ann was now tighter, her insides pressing down on her. She kept the pace and listened to the responsive gasps and moans. Finding the nipple of her breast she clutched and pinched down, rolling it through her fingers while she pushed her tongue onto the wet fiery flesh below. With an unexpected cry and a severe arch of the back she came. Anne felt her insides ripple around her fingers, almost pushing her out with the intensity and her tongue felt the strong pulse of orgasm against it. Her hard flesh throbbed in unison inside as well as out. Anne kept the rhythm until all the waves had passed and hands found her hair, insistently pulling. Then she raised her head, watching the others face as she gently slipped her fingers out. Ann shuddered, her neck and chest flushed red. Hard breaths were coming from a slightly opened mouth and her limbs were sprawled about in complete abandon. Anne smiled and rubbed her face on the soft inner thigh, kissing the skin there, eventually making her way up to lay close to her. She held her close, rocking slightly, both turned toward each other. A soft shushing was coming from her lips and she smoothed Ann's hair off her damp forehead. She planted gentle kisses wherever she could find purchase and whispered endearments as Ann's breathing relaxed. Pulling her face free, Anne saw her eyes clear and open. Her mouth was set with a large smile and soon Ann mimicked it in her own more reserved way. "I love you," she said simply to the older woman, who felt her heart drop out of her chest deep into the unknown. "I love you too," she replied, the unspoken plea in the words. Please do not leave me she silently cried. For after this, I cannot bear it.


	4. The acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a night of passion and reconnection, the same worries arise. Is Ann really over her madness or has it just changed form?

Anne's eyes opened in the dark. Candles had long since burned out and moonlight filtered through the slats on the windows, painting the floor with silver stripes. Her heart was racing but there was no sound in the room other than Ann's gentle breathing. She could not sense any movement that would indicate a reason for her to wake. A faded dream of a field and horses slowly drifted from her mind, too mundane to keep hold on. She could guess that it was now the cold hours of the early morning, from the eerie stillness and the dark that pressed in on the room. She did not know how long they had slept in each other's arms, her completely drained from the activities between them, emotional and otherwise. She could still taste Ann on her lips and caught a scent of their lovemaking in the still air. She realized she needed to relieve herself, a pressure building down below. Anne looked at the faint outline of the girl pressing on her. One arm was splayed over her middle, another coming up under the pillow to rest on her hair. She did not want to disturb her and steeled herself to ignore the bodily urge, willing herself to fall back asleep. Yet, she could not.

Bursts of color and odd shapes danced around her vision, making normal objects appear strange. She knew it was the trick of the dark and wished there were candles at the very least. Her pulse was still faster than normal and she tried to force it down, thinking calming thoughts of Ann and their perfect night. Well, she thought, almost perfect. In the aftermath of their intimate crashing she felt the mental darkness start into her thoughts. Gazing at her delicate nose and a sweep of lashes, framed by a small slice of moonlight, she wondered what dreams were going through that mind. Memories of desperate pleas and nights of worry pressed on her in this dark place, making sleep a distant memory. She wished the clock would chime for her to hear the time, as she felt undone without her watch, but remembered removing the weights. She also thought of how torturous that sound had been to Ann and what it had meant. Her thoughts turned to the begging, the pleas for her to stay, to never leave. She could feel the ghost of Ann wrapping her arms tight around her middle, of the desperate look in those soft eyes. Her mad eyes, Anne thought with a sick feeling. The feeling snaked though and settled into her stomach, resembling hunger. She swallowed and took a breath, her chest rising and falling with the weight of the girl's limb. Anne had promised her that she would do what she could for her. She had stared the madness in the face and made that impossible promise, telling herself that she would do everything she could to fix it.

Worries came and went like black foul waves, bathing her insides until they churned with green anxiety. What was the future of this union if the madness came again? Where would it take them this time? How much more could she stomach of the whiplash turnings of her moods and desires. Tonight had been everything she had wanted and more. Ann had come willingly and accepted her kiss, even the one that touched her core. Under her own volition, she had touched Anne in a way that had never been done before. There was no hesitation, no shame, only tender longing and love. Ann had been inside of her, had felt her heat as no one before had. She allowed that, that most intimate and personal intrusion, finding pleasure in it after all.

The slow churn diminished inside of her and cautious warmth took its place. Maybe this madness was based on a simple decision and not a pendulum's swing. Maybe Ann's mind had fortified itself in bravery and that is all it took to stop the worries and... her thoughts wandered off... voices. "Some very strange things have been happening." The memory of that phrase brought her out of her own head and back into the room. And with a jolt, she saw the white crescent of an eye, open and staring. "Ann?" she said softly, dry throat cracking with the name. After a moment, she heard the softest whisper and felt the movement of the reply. "Yes." She did not dare move; her nerves bundled up and tight against this unexpected thing. "Ann, are you alright?" she managed, forcing her vocal cords to relax. Again, the soft reply of "Yes." Anne paused again, unsure of how to proceed. "How long have you been awake," she asked in a soft voice. The girl moved her head so that it was facing hers, both white eyes shining. "I don't know," she said softly and stayed like that, head tilted, body still draped over hers. With a slight abandon from reason and a desire to know the truth Anne asked, "Do you, did you hear anything tonight?" She thought she had overstepped her boundary with the intense silence that greeted her words. She felt the girl tense against her, felt an arm withdraw and the absence of warmth it left. She inwardly cursed herself for the callousness of the question when Ann responded with, "Yes, they are still here."

This was too much, Anne thought, gently but swiftly sitting up, finding and striking a candle to flame on the bedside table. Her hand shook slightly but the little light it gave off was worth all the trouble. The dark feelings were back, grinding her insides, coming to rest as a tingle in her teeth. "What," she had to gather her thoughts, "what do you mean?" Her hand found the other delicate one and grasped it hard, feeling an unusual cold in the skin. Ann resettled and looked up at her, shadows playing under dark eyes. The effect was surreal and chilling, like a sunny day turned gray with sudden dark storms. Anne looked at her, her fingers restlessly travelling over the clammy skin. She brought her other hand to her forehead, pushing on the furrow she could feel gathering between her brows. "They are sad tonight," Ann said in a stronger but distant voice, "the spirits." Anne's jaw clenched in reply, her frown deepening. She felt her heart start to fall and fall, down into a dark abyss with these words. The warm light from hours past seemed far away and she felt a cold sweat take her. Ann on the other hand seemed perfectly fine. It was hard to tell in the wavering light but she appeared calm and collected, saying further, "I am not afraid of them anymore. Not like before." Her voice was soft again but full of reason and sense. Anne heard the juxtaposition of the two and it shook her slightly.

She tried to speak, failed with an open mouth and tried again, finally saying, "Why aren't you afraid?" Ann's mouth moved in a small smile and she replied, "They are not trying to hurt me." She sat up slightly, fabric rustling in the silent room and gazed over at the window, where the light came in. She said, "Before, there were just so many of them, all talking at the same time. I just didn't know what to do. I felt and saw things when they were speaking and it made me doubt," she paused and her hand tightened on Anne's, "...us. It made me doubt us." She locked gazes with the other woman, her eyes shining. "Now I know that they were not against us at all. When I made the decision to stay I felt all of it lift. Tonight I know that I made the right choice. They are not trying to do anything, "she said, "they just want to be heard." She took a small breath after this long speech and said, "Don't you understand? They just want someone to know that they are there, even if you or others cannot hear them." She settled back down, her gaze becoming distant on the walls beyond. "I'm not mad. They will go away soon, they always do." She turned to the other woman and beckoned her closer. "I hope you don't think poorly of me. I just wanted to tell you the truth of what is going on," she paused, "since you asked."

Anne was at a complete loss for words. She gave into the movements of the other and settled down next to her, her mouth open in pause. Her thoughts had stopped and her mind was blank. She had never heard anyone speak of these things with such candor, such simplicity. If it were anyone else, she would have thrown it off as madness, true madness. But this was Ann, her Ann. She felt herself relaxing next to the heat of the arms that circled her, of the face that nuzzled her. Maybe it will pass, she thought hopefully; maybe this "madness" is acceptable to the circumstance. She knew that she was probably being foolish but she did not want to focus on the darkness. She wanted light, the light of this tender creature before her. She could not shake the feeling of stress inside of her though. It had taken root there, a small black mark that she could not erase. It was telling her that this woman was not what she seemed to be, that this woman would tear her to shreds with this instability and talk. She could feel Ann's fingers running up her neck and she softened at the touch deciding to focus on the now, letting the worry hide within her. She could face anything with the coming of the day, she thought. She knew that she could not leave this girl, especially if this talk continued. She had promised to help her and she would keep that promise. And did Ann not seem to be okay in this moment, she thought. The heated ramblings of god and death and judgment were not in this room with them. Her demeanor suggested nothing other than love and an acceptance of what was in her mind, no matter how queer it might be. Anne resolved to have them take another trip to see Dr. Belcombe. They would need to leave soon. Yes, she thought, meeting Ann's soft kiss, that is what I will do. We will figure this out together, as long as she stays stable and as long as she just stays. Her usual positivity fortified her mind, keeping the dark worries at bay. Yes, she thought, I will help her and we will face this together.  


	5. The connection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after a strange night greets the two lovers and the next phase of their journey is discussed while fears are processed and pushed aside. Love is paramount.

With the previous nights stress she could not imagine sleep would come, yet a room filled with warm, buttery sunlight greeted her as she opened her eyes. She could make out the faint bustle of servants readying for the day as she let her body wake. While sleeping, she and Ann had moved apart, although their bodies still touched at elbow and hip. She slowly pushed a lock of hair out of her eyes, tucking it behind her ear and saw that Ann was still asleep, her face soft with it. Anne swallowed her worries and slowly slipped out of bed, gently making her way to the door and gathering her clothes as she went. Quietly she let herself out of the room and into the hall, hearing the soft click of the latch as she closed the door. James was at the top of the stairs to meet her, his gaze passive. She jumped slightly at the unexpected sight of him and quickly said in a soft voice, "Miss Walker is still sleeping. I am, well," she knew how she looked, hair a mess and half dressed with her clothes hanging out of arms. "Well, yes. I am going to be in my room." She played with the fabric in her hands, "If Miss Walker wakes please let her know I have not left but am next door." "Of course ma'am." James was professional as always. "I sent a messenger to Shibden hall last night and had word that your Aunt received your message," he told her. "Thank you James," Anne said in reply, truly meaning it for the second time. James bowed briefly and Anne confirmed with him that they would be breakfasting in about an hour. He left down the stairs and Anne made her way to her room, securing herself inside. She placed her things neatly down onto the bed and completed her morning toilet, spending time on her face and hands. Soon she was buttoned and strapped into her usual garb, hair in the characteristic style that was hers. She had learned how to dress and care for herself during her long travels. She had been without help before and she could always manage.

 She stopped and looked at herself in the mirror, taking in the new lines that deepened her mouth. Ann, Ann, she thought with a new tenderness, you will be the end of me. With that, she was back in the other room, standing at the end of the bed of the sleeping girl. She felt a slight déjà vu at this moment, remembering when she had stood in this very place, not daring to touch her after the fight between them. This time was different and she quietly made her way to the other side of the bed where Ann lay. She settled on the edge of the mattress and reached out a hand, tenderly smoothing back the golden curls while whispering her name. She felt a small warmth spread through her with an undertone of worry as Ann woke. Thankfully, she saw that her eyes were clear, no darkness rising like the night before. Ann smiled tenderly at her and squeezed the hand, their fingers twining. She felt her fingers trace her ring, examining it. "When will I have my ring from you?" she asked and Anne felt her heart leap into her throat. She was so straightforward and she felt that warmth inside her increase. This was a new Ann and she could not help the smile that opened her mouth wide. "Yes my love," she said squeezing her fingers, "we will make our vows soon and then," she kissed her hand tenderly, "then I will give you your ring." Ann smiled and reached up, drawing the others face down to meet hers. She planted a tender kiss on her lips and Anne marveled in the confidence of it. Maybe she is going to be okay, Anne thought. She never doubted the girl's recovery from the torments that plagued her. But I will take her to York regardless, she promised herself, preparing to broach the subject.

She pulled back and sat next to Ann on the coverlet, her fingers absent-mindedly stroking hers. "My love, I must go back to York." She saw a slight crease on Ann's face and she asked, "What for?" Anne continued, "There is a small matter I need attend to before we can take our vows. Also," she paused and pushed on, "I would like you to see Dr Belcombe once more." Ann did not reply but looked at the windows. She continued, "It was the original plan before your relations came and I believe it is a good one. I think a checkup would be, ahh" she cocked her head and continued, squeezing her hand, "advisable."

Ann looked back at her, her pink lips parted slightly. "Do you think it's needed?" she asked, all openness. Anne looked down, her mouth parted in answer, but she was interrupted. "I feel much better. I know I said some things last night to you," Anne's stomach clenched icily, "but I do feel much better than I have in some time. And my back," she stretched in the bed, her small breasts pushing against her open nightgown, "feels relaxed and new." Anne continued to look at her, taking in the taught posture and open eyes. "Yes," she said. "you do seem to be doing much better, I must admit." she met her blue eyes, "but if we are to travel to York then I do feel that at least paying a visit to Belcombe is the right thing to do." She put a reassuring smile on her face. "Just think of how he will view your progress." Ann stayed quiet but did not appear upset at her words. "It's okay," she said, her voice calm. "I know what I have said is odd and I understand the need for you to," she paused, "make sure." This strong statement took Anne aback, but she did not deny her words. Instead, she swallowed any strangeness this moment had created and said," Yes, well, a small trip will do us some good before we settle into Shibden. Fresh air and a change of scenery," she said with another glittering smile. It was contagious and Ann was soon smiling back, the seriousness having left her voice and posture.  Anne continued, "Okay, it is a plan. We can leave on the morrow and take today to have our affairs in order. I will have Eugenie bring my things for the journey." She looked at Ann again, taking in the curve of her jaw and lips, feeling love well inside her. "And I will stay tonight," she finished. Ann smiled at her, replying, "Of course you will."

Anne then excused herself downstairs, pausing to lay a kiss on the soft forehead before parting. She settled herself into a spot at the table and buttered her toast, looking at a paper that was provided. I will have to journal soon, so much has happened, she thought as she read some mundane political postings. Soon Ann joined her at the breakfast table, wearing a vivid blue dress and practically glowing with her new confidence. Then they were talking and eating like before while Anne kept the conversation flowing, relaxing in the familiarity between them. This has not changed, she reminded herself, smiling at one of Ann's stories and telling one in return. Soon they turned to the topic of the trip and she penned two short letters, one for her Aunt and one for Eugenie, James taking them for delivery.

Next, they retired into the sitting room, the birthplace of all their initial contact. It was quiet and the light was soft, coming through the closed slats. They settled on a couch together, immediately coming closer once the door closed. Anne placed a pillow behind her and lay back, pulling the other on top of her with the golden head resting on her chest. They repositioned until comfortable and sat in silence for a time, Ann's head slowly moving with Anne's breathing. She played with the strong hands that draped down her middle, toying with long fingers. Those fingers were magic, Ann thought, but not as magic as this woman. She felt solid in this moment, soaking in the warmth of the other and soaking in her strength. She knew she had worried her Anne and she knew why. Yet, she knew what was happening and she felt in control of it. She was giving in to love, love of this hard yet soft person holding her right now. When had she ever felt so complete, she thought, so stable. Yes, the word was stable. For once her mind was not fluttering, even with the strangeness of the nights. She knew what and who she wanted, as much as she could. They had shared such incredible moments together and Anne had saved her, hadn't she. She had saved her from the mundane, from sitting for hours in this very room, avoiding company and dwelling on her own thoughts. She knew the feel of Anne now, knew what it was to bring another to a complete pinnacle of pleasure. And she had enjoyed every second of it with her now open heart. She did not feel the pressing guilt anymore like before. It was love, and she was taking strength in it. Her family was far away and no one could touch them. Soon she would be at Shibden, Anne's stomping grounds. She smiled as she looked forward to seeing her room, touching her things and, she felt a warmth stir inside of her as she thought of lying in her bed. She wondered what decorations were there in this dark one's bedroom,  and what secrets there were to find. She felt almost giddy with the anticipation. Now there was York and the kind doctor there. She liked Dr. Belcombe and felt little apprehension on seeing him again. She sighed and felt Anne's arms tighten on her. How responsive she was to even that movement and how lucky I am, she thought.

Anne felt the girl sigh and pulled her closer, craving more contact between them. She felt such tenderness for her and knew she was gone. Her heart had been cruelly revealed, sewed up and then torn out again by her love for this one. It was an open wound for Ann to reach into, either soothing or stabbing with her words. She knew that the union between them was coming soon and that thought excited her more than she could stand. She wanted her at Shibden, wanted her in her bed, wanted her close enough to touch and protect. She wanted her Aunt, sister and father to know this girl and all her kindness and goodness. She wanted everything and she burned with it on this small couch, in this familiar room. Silence was not like her but she did not feel the need to speak like before. Instead, she was filled with love to the point of quiet, her touch expressing all the words she knew. "I love you," the soft voice below said and she felt waves crashing inside of her. Her hands squeezed the delicate arms, the wrists, the hands of the lover pressed against her and tried to communicate her love by this touch.

Ann shifted beneath her and she felt desire again, gathering inside of her. Her craving for this one seemed to have no end, even the words of the night not giving it pause. She swallowed and smiled softly, finding Ann looking up at her from new position between her legs. She did not want to ruin the moment, yet again, with this carnal lust, but she was sure she saw a twinkle of it in the eye of the other. Ann sat up and they both leaned against each other, breathing softly. "I believe we should make ready for the journey," Anne said quietly. She pushed her feelings down and rose, offering a hand to her tender one. Ann took her hand and they stood up, standing close to one another. She glanced at her pocket watch with a small click and realized how little she had been using it. The coal pits and other drama brewing at her home was not preoccupying her either. She had found a new foundation with the promise of Ann. Suddenly she felt arms thick with dress encircle her and found lips kissing hers softly. She returned the kiss passionately but pulled away, making sure not to show rejection in the action. Ann's hands were still around her waist and her face was pure innocence. Well, she thought, innocence with a hint of lust. She smiled and drew a thumb over her cheek. "I do believe Eugenie will be here with my things shortly and we must make sure you have everything you need. We are to leave early the next morning." Ann found herself liking the slight bossy nature of these words and smiled in reply. "Okay, then, let's take care of those things." Anne returned her smile and they left the room together, going into the hall where James stood. She saw her trunks on the floor, saying "Ah, so she came already." James replied with "Yes, ma'am" as always and continued with, "I will have your things brought to your room ma'am." Anne nodded and heard another voice speak up next to her. "James, could you please have baths drawn? Miss Lister will be spending another night." James bowed and left to tell the servants. Anne turned toward the other  and her mouth was slightly open in a half smile of surprise. Ann met her gaze and said softly, "Well I thought after we packed we could relax and then turn in for an early night." Anne felt the familiar flush of desire at these words. How forward she is, Anne thought, rather liking it. "Yes, yes I agree," she replied and they made their way upstairs.

After some quibbling on what to and not to bring, they found themselves being washed by the household staff in two separate baths. Anne did most of her own scrubbing but accepted help with her long dark hair, the servant drying and placing it into a braid for her afterward. She dressed in her room, putting on soft white men's underclothes as she usually did. She gave herself one last look in the mirror and quickly went over to Ann's room, knocking softly to herald her entry. It was not quite dusk when she entered but the room was filled with candlelight. The shutters were all drawn and she saw many flames dancing along the walls. She must have all the candles in the house in this room, she thought, smiling to herself. How the servants must have wondered. Her thoughts were quickly dispelled at the sight of the girl, no woman, before her. Ann stood at the end of the bed, wearing nothing, her long curls draped over her shoulders. Anne's breath caught in her throat and she just stared, taking her in. Her nudity was open and exposed with all the light surrounding them. Anne could see the gentle curve of her breasts, the soft dark nipples on each, and every silky curl of her hair below. All were splendidly presented to her, a gift unwrapped and ready for the taking. Ann looked away slightly in response to the intensity in the other's gaze, and the small act of shyness was a goad to Anne's desire, causing her pulse to pound in her neck.

 "Oh Ann," she heard herself say, and she was off, moving across the room to take this one in her arms. Her hands slid unimpeded over soft, warm skin and she wished she could commit it to memory for any times they were apart. She leaned in and kissed the tender scented neck, cupping her buttocks in one hand, the back of her neck in her other. She disengaged and slid her hand under a breast, feeling its slight heaviness as she captured the nipple in her mouth. She then kissed in between her breasts, running her tongue over the hard ridges of the breastbone and fell to her knees, kissing above the soft thatch of hair. Ann shuddered with her kisses, hands running themselves over the other's hair and face. Anne took a deep breath, tasting the recent bath on her fresh skin and bit down on a thigh, enjoying the way Ann jumped. She heard a short burst of laughter after she released the reddened skin, placing a soft kiss where she had bruised it. "Oh Ann," she said again, resting her head against taught inner thighs, "I want to devour you." Suddenly Anne felt arms grasp hers and pull her up so that they stood facing each other. They locked gazes and Anne felt naked herself, all her desire out and open in the air. Fire burned within her skin and she thought she would die of this need. Ann grasped her shirt and fell back on the bed, pulling Anne on top of her. Her nails tore the shirt, raked along her finely muscled back as she squirmed up the bed with Anne between her legs. The brunette settled in, legs straddling each others with each thigh coming to rest against the other's sex. Ann pushed her thigh up and felt a shudder come from the older woman. She let her small lips fall on a tender ear and whispered, "I want you to take me." Anne tensed and pulled her head free, looking into the gray blue eyes. The fire filled her now, and she thought she understood what this girl meant. Without the proper instrument between her legs, there was only one way to do the thing. She had done this before, building passions with other lovers. Yet this time it was different, as everything was with Ann and she realized that she wanted to. She wanted to dominate and possess this fragile body below her, taking her as her own and no one else's. Not Mr. Ainsworth's, not her families, but hers. With a low growl Anne pushed her hips against the girls, feeling heat and pressure build. She held herself aloft with her arms while her hips flexed and flowed, grinding into the delicate bones below her. She bore down on Ann's thigh and relished the pressure, giving the same in return. Her passion built inside her as she felt the familiar nails digging at her back and then her buttocks.

She leaned down and gently bit her neck, the soft skin giving way beneath her sharp white teeth. She wanted to claim her, all of her, and make marks on that perfect pale skin. Shifting, she brought their lips together, kissing her hard enough to bruise while she worked her with her thrusts. Ann was moaning slightly with each slow grind and she felt like she would explode if she continued. Anne could feel sweat running down her back in small rivulets at the physical movements and heat between them. She stopped and settled her weight on her side and guiding the girl's leg, she rested its weight on her shoulder. Then she reached down to caress the wetness she knew was there. She slipped two fingers inside of Ann's tight core and her back arched hard, breath coming out in a moan. Anne pushed her hip against her hand and took the girl then, fully having her as no one else had. She was hot with exertion and desire, well-formed muscles quivering as she pushed herself into the other. She moved faster, her fingers making sure to milk all pleasure with each thrust until both of them were glowing with heat and Ann cried out with spasms spreading through her insides. The waves lasted for longer than before, without an outward aid to the release. Anne continued to stroke her, watching hungrily as the girl writhed and cried out with each pull of her hand. Soon it was done, and they both collapsed, breaths heavy and wet between them. Ann was fully flushed, her hair spread out around her in complete disarray. The other was tense with muscles trembling all over, her fingers still wet. They looked at each other, feelings flowing between them in the gaze. Anne was taught with desire, having found no definite release through their movements. She was used to the feeling though and had come to somewhat savor it. She felt a shudder travel through her body and make its way to her toes, where they curled against crisp sheets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments are appreciated. I hope you enjoy as I slowly unwind this story out of wherever it resides.


	6. The surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ann Walker is learning what she wants and decides to move forward with Miss Lister.

Ann snuggled in close, small warm hands sliding over her body and under her shirt. She trembled against the touch and the fire inside of her roared. The skin on skin contact was electric, Ann's fingers tracing her spine and coming around to slide up her chest. She did not linger on her breasts and Anne was grateful for that, still uncomfortable with that touch. Her hands traveled to the white breeches, rumpled and damp, their eyes meeting. Ann tugged gently at the top, letting her fingers hook in the fabric. Anne became still and stared back, feeling an unexpected wave of vulnerability, akin to fear. She swallowed and thoughts of how much she trusted and loved this woman floated to the surface.

Seeing the pause Ann said softly, "May I?" Her eyes were open and pure and Anne nodded in reply. With help, she unbuttoned and slowly dragged the fabric down her long legs, tossing them on the edge of the bed. There was another moment between them when Ann stopped to gaze at her, shirt open and intimate areas revealed. After a moment, Ann smiled her small smile, the one Anne knew so well, and delicately ran her fingertips up her muscled thighs. Anne caught her breath at the touch and felt her hair stand on end. Nails gently trailed down across her knees and calves making Anne grit her teeth and shiver. She felt completely paralyzed before this golden haired angel. She knew she must look a sight, hair askew, and shirt undone, completely nude down below. She steeled herself against any shyness she felt and focused on Ann, her Ann, as her touches became more earnest. She felt the hot palms slide up her inner thighs and she spread them ever so slightly, letting her touch travel to her throbbing sex. She felt the lightest brush of fingers against her dark nest of hair and then it was gone, hands sliding up her belly to her collarbone. She leaned back and gasped aloud when sharp nails dragged down her breastbone, travelling down onto her hips. She met Ann's gaze then, caught in the vulnerability of the moment and saw a glitter behind those blue eyes. Anne realized she was seeing a new side to this one, a bolder side. This part of Ann was taking desire in her own hands and Anne suddenly felt adrift in unknown seas. She was rudderless but not necessarily afraid from it. She felt a thrill that had not been inside her for years. There was something new, something vital here. Months of slow movements, lessons and planning between them had given birth to this moment.

Ann mounted her thigh then, grasping the back of her neck and dragging her up to a sitting position. Anne complied and moaned at the wet feel of her sex pressing on her muscle. Capturing a hard pink nipple in her mouth she pulled Ann's hips down, willing her to grind herself on her. She wanted to feel that, to feel this body shudder in her arms, taking pleasure from her. Yet, that is not what Ann did. Instead, she kissed her with a new fury, lips and tongues pummeling each other and leaving Anne breathless and dizzy when she pulled away. Ann pushed her back onto the bed, slithering down her body, dragging her sex as she went. She pressed her fingers against Anne's lips and she captured them in her mouth, sucking gently.

 Ann laughed at this and said softly, "Not this time." She was gazing deeply into the darker eyes. "I would like to take the reins this time." Anne let her head fall back, surprise blossoming inside of her.

"Alright," she started and Ann cut her off with a soft palm against her mouth.

"Shhh..." she whispered, now kissing down her midriff. "It is my turn."

With a strange light in her eyes, Ann kissed the top of her sex, dark curls obscuring her lips. Anne's mouth came open but the hand pressed harder, teeth against flesh. Blue eyes rolled up to meet hers and Ann removed her hand, slipping down to take position between the strong legs. Anne's mind was enflamed, her thoughts racing. She could not accept the sight before her and felt a sharp stab of desire run through her core. Her Ann was right there, so close she could feel her hot breath on her. She had given this to many women but had never experienced it herself. Now this beautiful creature was here, promising a world of exquisite pleasure and exploration.

With those thoughts, she felt small lips press against her fold in a hard kiss. She hissed through her teeth at the pressure and touch, jolts of feeling running inside of her. She felt like she would ignite but also cringed away from the extreme openness and trust this position required. She knew Ann could truly see her now. She knew herself and that Ann was learning her dark flowing structures and the unique scent of her. A small pink tongue slipped through her fold and she jerked off the bed slightly. It was hot and rough against her sensitive flesh, gently lapping and hitting her clit on the upward stroke. She breathed out loudly and felt Ann's fumbling, her tongue seeking out her anatomy. She angled her hips, making sure not to push too much of herself onto Ann, and felt the girl respond, focusing her attentions higher.

Anne moaned softly, hearing her deep voice like a stranger in her ear. She could not help it and thought that it might encourage Ann to continue. She still marveled at the fact that she was doing this, any of this and felt a little strange with those thoughts. The strangeness could not overcome the pure raging desire that throbbed at the tongues touch. Each movement sent her nerves on end and she craved more contact, unable to find release. Soon, almost reading her thoughts, the soft gold head settled into a rhythm, tongue and lips sliding in circles. She did moan then, the sounds coming without volition as she tensed all over, tendons cracking. She knew her felt were curling and her breath was coming in small gasps as Ann increased her momentum.

"Oh god," she heard herself say, unaware of why or how she said it. The wave was rising now, the delicious pressure consuming her loins. She tensed hard, her back rigid, and felt the wave finally crest, ripples of pleasure running through her body and shaking her core.

"Ohhh, ohhhh..." she breathed out repeatedly, feeling Ann's hot mouth still consuming her throbbing flesh. She shuddered through her pleasure, letting it take her far away until finally it became pain and she found herself gently pulling on the golden hair. She shuddered all over, legs shaking and barely had the strength to pull Ann on top of her. The girl's head lay on her heaving breast, soft wet kisses being planted on her breastbone. She shuddered again and laughed with the feeling of it.

"Oh Ann..." She could not make a complete sentence and consigned herself to just holding her for a moment, hot and heavy against her chest. She felt thoroughly spent, as if years of desire had just burned away to leave her bare and clean. Her heart thudded in her chest and she felt alive like rarely before. A surge of warmth and tenderness for her lover overcame her, mingling with the intense surprise at this sudden unexpectedness on Ann's part. Her feelings were a jumble in her mind and she had difficulty separating them, choosing instead to cling to the delicate form draped over her.  

 

Soon Ann rose and slid up her body, placing her face close to hers. She could smell her own musky scent on Ann's lips as they kissed.

"Are you... was that, alright?" She still trembled all over with the aftershocks of the release, her mind fuzzy, thoughts slow. The hard throb was dissipating in her loins, leaving a vast calm in its wake. She was sinking into the pillowed mattress, unsure whether she could ever have the strength to rise. "Please, come here." It was a faint whisper from Anne's lips and the other obeyed, settling into the crook of her arm, her head again on her chest.

"Your heart is beating so hard," whispered Ann, a note of concern in her voice.

"Ahh, yes well that was an intense connection my love. I have not experienced that..." She shook her head slightly. "Well, ever." She endeavored to keep her breathing regular and slow her pulse. She did not want to worry this one.

"Was I your first for that?" Ann asked, a trace of shyness coming after her previous boldness. A smile cracked Anne's lips and she opened her mouth to it, a small laugh escaping her.

 "Yes my love. You are my first for that." She managed to pull Ann closer and enveloped her in her arms, kissing her forehead tenderly. She breathed in the scent of her hair right where it met skin. Feelings burned inside of her and she knew that she was now was thoroughly undone. Ann looked up at her with eyes that still held innocence, albeit a little less after her downward excursions. Anne's hands were idly stroking her back and shoulders, coming up to gently massage the back of her neck.

"Was it, was I acceptable?" Ann asked.

Oh Gods yes, the thought burst in her mind but Anne responded with a softer reply. "Yes my dearest. You were beyond acceptable. Was the experience acceptable to you?" She felt a flutter of nerves at the open asking, bearing her vulnerability to this one.

Ann kept her gaze. "Yes, yes it was," she paused, "different." Anne felt a sharp sting of nerves and Ann quickly continued." But I liked it." Her eyes held the same strange glitter as before and Anne relaxed inwardly. Ann turned toward her. "It was like another mouth to kiss even if it's a little different. Is that what it is like for you when you do the same to me?"

  
Such a curious lover Anne thought. "Yes it is somewhat similar to a deep kiss when I am below with you." Anne hesitated with asking what she wanted to. She knew the questions were borne from insecurity but she needed to be certain. "Was it, okay for you, my own wetness and all?"

Ann's mouth parted and blue eyes met brown, a gentle smile twisting her lips. "Yes. It was. And you were..." She rested her fingers on her lips while pausing. "Well it was very enjoyable." Another deep tension eased inside Anne. She had been afraid, or at least nervous that Ann would be put off by her biology. Anne moved her arms, finding the strength in them slowly returning. She then pulled Ann's mouth to hers. The dark musky scent of her was still on Ann's lips and she kissed them, continuing onto her cheeks, this intimate sharing fueling strange desires within her. She gently ran her tongue over the girl's lips and took one into her mouth, sucking. Ann allowed her this and then returned the kiss with vigor. Soon the traces of their lovemaking faded in the contact and Anne pulled away, laying one last kiss on her irresistibly soft forehead. She laid back and settled in with Ann pressed close, their breathing soon becoming slower, tangled limbs finding places of comfort until a gentle drowsiness of over fulfilled desires took her. She felt fully aware that the moment they shared had indelibly marked this golden ones name onto her heart and soul. She drifted off to dreams of wet red lips and warm blue eyes.


	7. The talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visit to Dr. Belcombe is made and concerns discussed.

Anne did not wake to any strangeness during the night. She thought that it might be due to the complete exhaustion that took her after the shocking intimacy with Ann. Although, upon waking, she noticed dark shadows under those pale eyes and knew the voices had visited once more. With the warm sun streaming through the windows, Ann still appeared radiant, golden hair tousled and spread across the pillows. Anne caressed the soft cheek and saw the answer to her unspoken question in those blue eyes. Ann gently captured and kissed her fingers as they continued to gaze at each other in silence.

 "They came again last night." Ann spoke so matter of fact, her eyes wide with burning honest. Her breath felt warm on Anne's palm and she released it, sitting up in bed. "They just talk to me about their former lives." Ann looked distantly at the walls. A pause settled between them as small rivers of ice flowed through Anne's insides. Focusing instead on warm thoughts, she leaned in to lay a kiss on the small rosy lips. Anne met her blue gaze and said, "It is alright. We will have this all figured out in no time." Ann's face appeared calm as she focused on the darker eyes. "Yes I know," she said softly. "I am always alright as long as I'm with you."

Anne felt her heart falter and she could not help the lump that rose in her throat, full of unexpressed feelings as she gathered this gentle girl into her arms. Her love felt as if it would burst out of her skin and she breathed deeply of the soft flowery scent of the soft golden hair pressed to her face. Tears burned in her eyes and she swallowed them down, anchoring herself with the warmth and feel of Ann's body in her arms.

They parted shortly after, both taking care of their bodies and readying themselves for the trip. Breakfasting together was a brief and pleasant affair, the eggs succulent and toast perfectly browned to her liking. Anne greatly enjoyed the opulence of this home and hoped that Shibden could match it to Ann's liking when she eventually moved in. The thought made her emotions surge in happiness and worry. Soon enough they were setup in the carriage and on their way to York, Anne having written to Steph and other parties the day before in order to setup their housing and other necessities for the visit.

The carriage ride was arduous as usual, but without the usual bumps. They had taken Ann's this time and it was also made of finer materials, with soft cushions and better control. They stayed on opposite sides for a time, talking and laughing as the outside slowly passed. Soon Ann moved to the same side and was embraced tightly, their clothes hindering further intimacies. Anne gently stroked her arms and hands, laying chaste kisses on her forehead. Sharp memories of the former night's passions and mysteries left Anne restless. She felt a split of desire and darkness building inside of her. Both feelings were trumped by love, a gentle warmth that spread through her body and called out to the gentle form in her arms. She felt so protective and full, knowing her heart fully inflamed and invested. With a sigh these thoughts roiled through her being as the trip slowly dragged on. Soon they arrived, stretching sore bodies and allowing the servants to attend to their baggage.

The rooms she had reserved were fine and familiar, the same ones from their previous visit to York. Anne found herself caught in memories of their time together as she stood before the dark canopied bed. She knew those as better times, times before the fear and instability that had rooted itself inside after the voices came. She let those images of love and excitement wash over her and soon felt warm arms surround her, drawing her close.

"Are you thinking about the time we spent here last time?" Ann whispered, her face resting on her shoulder. Anne closed her eyes and swallowed any darkness she felt, turning in the embrace to see her lover. She tightened her arms and lay a soft kiss on that soft mouth, making sure the servants were gone, before responding. "Those were good moments and we will have so many more here and at Shibden." Ann smiled softly in response and their kisses turned earnest for a moment before they broke away, aware of the necessities of their bodies and the space they occupied. They completed their bodily rituals and were soon curled up together under the soft white sheets, eyes locked tight. Without many words, they made love. This time it was quick but sweet, as their first times were. They had soft gentle touches in the dark, moans throughout until Ann shuddered and gasped her name. Anne's release came sweet, a slow build as she touched herself to climax, Ann's soft lips on hers.  It left her with a feeling of peace, knowing the pleasure they brought each other. Like the other nights, she felt a deep sleep claim her, heaviness flooding her limbs, as they lay entwined.

The next day brought Dr. Belcombe and a gentle examination of her Ann. She sat outside the room, allowing them time to speak as she sipped her tea and tried not to make out the mumbles behind the door. With a start, she heard the door open as Steph exited and joined her at the small table. He sat with his gentle smile and sharp eyes focused on her, arms relaxed. "I am glad you came to see me again." His voice was resonant and kind. "I am also glad you brought your, friend, Miss Walker. It appears she needed someone to speak to about certain things." Anne noticed the emphasis he placed on friend. Anne swallowed and kept her silence. Dr. Belcombe continued, leaning forward in his chair, "Miss Walker has confided her peculiarities to me and despite them, appears in sound health. She says it is due to her strong friendship with you."

Anne smiled slightly and breathed a sigh of relief. Settling back she said, "Ah, well, you know my tastes." She looked up at him, no trace of shame in her face. The doctor kept eye contact with her and said, "Yes, my sister has shared vague details of your 'tastes', as you put it." She returned his gaze and settled herself in the chair. "Yes, let us be frank then. Steph, I need to ask you about a certain aspect of Miss Walker that has been," she bit her lip slightly, "concerning to me." Belcombe's eyes widened slightly. "More concerning than the voices at night," he asked with surprise. Anne shook her head. "No, no." She smiled slightly, meeting his eyes, "Not more concerning than that but just," she paused, "concerning." Belcombe nodded for her to continue.

Anne swallowed and she played with the edge of a glove that was lying in her hand. She lowered her voice and said, "Miss Walker has been displaying, well," she moved her head to the side, pondering, "certain attributes." She took a breath before continuing. "She has been acted slightly different in one area of note." Belcombe sat back and continued to look at her. Anne finally pushed the thought out, saying, "Miss Walker has been acting out of sorts. Her usual shyness in certain," her voice dropped further, "intimate matters, has changed considerably." She could feel a slight heat in her cheeks but continued. "She is much more forward in her desires, mundane and otherwise." She let the thought hang in the air and a short silence settled between them. The doctor shifted forward, his face calm and collected. "Has she acted in any bizarre manner when it comes to these 'desires'?"

Anne felt a small smile curve her lips. "No, she has not. She just seems more open to taking initiative than before and my fear is that it is, or could be, due to this nightly issue she is experiencing." She was having a hard time speaking. "I do not want to continue our, activities, if I am somehow," she paused again, "taking advantage of her state, assuming it is her state causing her this level of intensity." She finished the sentence and massaged her forehead, feeling a little embarrassed. Yet, she knew she needed to know, to be sure. She sat and waited for a reply, anxiety brewing inside.

Finally, Belcombe answered, his voice even and gentle. "Anne, it is possible for someone to have different parts of themselves functioning independently. After speaking with Miss Walker I see no cause for concern regarding her 'actions' with you, private and otherwise." He leaned back in his hair, eyes gentle. "She is very fond of you and seems to be free of doubts that plagued her in the past regarding her feelings for you. She was open with me on that account."

Anne's eyes widened at this admission and she settled back in her chair. "So, she seems to be adjusting well to things between us?" She cast her discomfort aside at the blatant tone of this conversation. She trusted this doctor as her friend. Belcombe smiled in reply and responded with a hint of a grin, "I believe that you have been a good influence on her health in many ways." Anne returned his smile with one of her own, a glitter in her dark eyes. "Hmm, well that is good to hear," she mused out loud. Again, Anne locked eyes with Belcombe. "So what is your recommendation regarding the voices she is hearing nightly?"

The doctor pursed his lips and looked at the far wall, over her shoulder. "She shows no outward signs of severe mental instability in her everyday life, as seen by myself. You agree with this assessment?" Anne nodded to his statement. He met her gaze once more. "I would say give this time. These things take many forms and this nighttime oddity might be a way of past trauma leaving her mind." Anne visibly relaxed. "Other than that, I would say keep an eye on her and if she starts to display other behaviors to write me immediately." His voice was firm and Anne met his gaze, giving a small nod in reply. Belcombe leaned forward again, his eyes displaying the softness they always did. "Anne, she is not where she could be but she is in a much better place from what you've described. If you are willing to put the time in, she can learn how to cope with this and hopefully overcome it. But you should know that anxious disorders do not usually disappear." He sat back in his chair, hands clasped in his lap. "She might need to learn how to live with this for her lifetime. And if you're sharing that life then you will need to learn also."

Anne swallowed at his words, feeling a weight settle on her shoulders. It was a familiar weight of responsibility and loyalty. She knew it was there, but felt it anew at the doctor's words. This yoke had been placed on her the first day her feelings bloomed for her tender one. Memories of a golden face peering up at her from a messy bed, sunlight in her hair and a plea in her voice, came to haunt her. She had promised she would stay then and promised that she would do what she could for this one. She was strong and would be strong for both of them. She would keep her promise.

Anne thanked Belcombe and they shook hands, clasping elbows as old acquaintances. She tried to convey her gratitude to him and thought he understood from the knowing look in his eyes. Smiling gently, she watched him take his leave, stopping in to say goodbye to Ann briefly before he parted. They spoke soft words and soon he was was gone, the door closing with a hard click in his wake, leaving her standing in the sitting area. Anne touched her lips and forehead, pondering what the doctor had said. She knew he had the right of it and trusted his judgment. She felt slightly relieved at having finally expressed her fears regarding their newfound intimacy. With slight effort, Anne focused her thoughts on the positive aspects of the conversation and left her fears behind as she made her way into the bedroom.

Ann was sitting in a small cushioned chair near the window and turned toward her as she entered. She smiled softly and said, "Do you feel better about things now that I have seen him?" Anne crossed the room and nodded in reply, leaning down to kiss those perfect pink lips. She smiled her dazzling smile and caressed a soft cheek. "Yes, my dearest. Thank you for speaking with him. He is a dear friend and thinks highly of you."

Ann smiled at this and said, "I like him very much. I felt comfortable talking with him." Her blue eyes looked deep into the dark ones. "I explained what I have been hearing." Anne froze, holding her breath, waiting for her to continue. Ann looked down and continued, "I do not know if he believed me but he did not seem to be overly concerned." She met her eyes once more. "Are you still concerned?"

Anne paused, her thoughts faltering and tried to answer honestly. "I am not greatly concerned. I have always believed you could make a full recovery given the correct circumstance." She smiled, feeling a small darkness inside of her rise its head. She leaned down and kissed the forehead she knew so well, letting the feel soft skin soak into her lips, quelling her anxiety. Standing up, she continued, "We will just monitor what is happening as long as it continues." Anne reached out a hand and grasped the smaller one, both standing. Eye to eye, Anne leaned in close and gave her a light kiss. "I want you by my side, always. This is just a temporary challenge to overcome." Ann stared back into the dark eyes, silent. Anne smiled again, trying to put confidence she did not feel into it. "I am only interested in you being of sound health." She tilted her head down. "And it appears that you are."

Ann's gaze was gentle and she placed small fingers on the lined cheek. "I am always alright when I am with you." Anne felt her heart split at the seams, her love almost painful in its intensity. She captured the warm palm and pressed it to her face, kissing it. With a flourish she broke the moment, moving backward and standing up straight, a glowing smile on her face. "Good." The word seemed to be an entire conversation in itself and they left the room, Anne willing the anxiety and fears to stay behind.


End file.
